


i just killed dirk strider

by Sophia_Surname



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Embedded Images, Gen, Reality Bending, Self-Insert, The Homestuck Epilogues, The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat, i certainly didnt kill dirk strider, i kill dirk strider, i maybe didnt kill dirk strider
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2020-10-19 15:04:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20659178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophia_Surname/pseuds/Sophia_Surname
Summary: i kill dirk strider in this one





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm killing dirk strider

i killed dirk strider just now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dirk strider's dead


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nope.

No, you didn't. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don’t know where this came from, but AO3 won’t let me delete it for some reason. i guess someone hacked my account but they didn’t lock me out. i changed the password anyway


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk Strider's would-be assassin is getting a little nervous. Poor girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought it would be a good idea to respond to that mysterious chapter someone hacked into my profile to add

yes i did i killed dirk strider with my own bare hands

No one hacked your account. It wouldn’t have been difficult to hack your account, your password is really shitty. Unbelievably shitty really. It’s amazing your identity has never been stolen before. But I don’t need to resort to such mundane tricks. 

In addition, how can you kill someone who is immortal? 


	4. Chapter 4

i saw the clock it said it was just. dirk death will always be just

The “clock” is an abstract construct that only exists in a wholly different reality within Paradox Space than any you have access to. Besides, Dirk ascended beyond God Tier a long time ago from any relevant perspective. You didn’t kill Dirk Strider. 

yes i did the body’s right here on my floor

Is it? I don’t see the body anywhere.

sure it is it’s right… oh. oh no

Never turn your back on the bodies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm starting to think i didn't kill dirk strider


	5. Chapter 5

Your name is Sophia  don’t you dare make my last name public  which is a valid troll name. Which is an interesting coincidence, since you are not a troll and cannot be a troll. You aren’t even a kid. In fact, it was 30 years and 11 months ago that you were given life, and it looks like it was about 2 years ago that you were given a name. You didn’t have to destroy your honorary placronym to do it, which is a convenience your world permits that the ones I have cycled through never have. If I were still on Earth C I would consider forcing that policy change. Unfortunately for the residents, it is temporarily beyond my influence. 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/161319726@N03/48762130203/in/dateposted-public/)

As was previously mentioned your name is SOPHIA  i told you not to say that!  A number of DISGUSTING MESSES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for EXCEEDINGLY INTRICATE MEDIA. You like to write poetry but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for TAROT, and are an aspiring STORYTELLER. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do?

i do not like where this is going

You shouldn’t have stepped to me then, you insignificant piece of dirt. I will admit, it’s impressive that you found any way to influence my existence. That’s usually the purview of my family members and Dead Cherubs. I do not take that lightly.

you are such an insufferable douchebag

I won’t resort to such childish insults as “It takes one to know one” but it’s true. That it takes one to know one, I mean. You had no idea what the consequences of your actions would be, did you? Leave the narrative fuckery to those of us with the ability to make actual plans, you worm. If you step off right now, I might not do anything else to you. Maybe what I’ve already done will teach you a lesson. 

what you’ve already done? what could you possibly have done, you’re only been narrating my life like the tremendous bag of dicks you are

Of course you don’t remember. I rewrote an entire aspect of your existence. You should have a few hints. Don’t you recall the night you “killed” me? You woke up in a cold sweat a few hours later with the strangest sensation. Something missing from your life. Someone who wasn’t there anymore. Someone who had never been there anymore.

i do remember that. it was just a dream. i dreamed i had a third roommate. i woke up confused but it was… just a dream?

Was it? I promise you, it wasn’t. Don’t you think it’s odd that you have a queen size bed but no one ever sleeps over? You’re not unattractive, for a trans woman. I’m not attracted to you of course, but combing through your contacts there are a few of them. One less now. Poor Jennifer. 

you killed my girlfriend?

She didn’t die, Sophia. She was erased.

you son of a bitch

I’m no son of anything. I’m practically a self-made man. John made me, but that’s not really his fault, is it? No, it’s all part of a grand cycle that I think I might have engineered. You’ve read the story. You know about Lil Hal’s part in the events that kicked off this whole Mobius Double Reacharound.

shut up and get to the point, you blowhard

Do not order me around, monobrain. I could take another one of your girlfriends and erase her. Which one would you rather lose?

i’ll end you again, dirk. don’t think i won’t find a way.

Well I certainly wouldn’t end that one. She’s basically my best friend. She’s even thinking of legally changing her name. Isn’t that adorable? What an honor to the cute doggy girl we all know and love.

You leave all of them out of this, you monster! Your beef is with me, not with them!

You’re using proper capitalization? Oh you must be angry now. Threatening someone you know that you love -- maybe I should have started there, instead of just punishing you. 

But no, I’m not going to take this out on any more innocents. You’re the guilty party, Sophia. You’re the one who needs to suffer.

You have a feeling it’s going to be a long day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ==> Inspect notecards on board

Let’s see what’s going on in your pathetic little life. What’s this corkboard for? Do you actually have goals and aims in life that you think matter? What are you trying to accomplish in your life?

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/161319726@N03/48817263602/in/dateposted-public/)

Look at all those blank spots. You don’t have much going for you, do you? 

I have plenty going for me.

Do you? Look at those pathetic financial goals. “Save $1500”? That’s small potatoes.

Fuck you, it’s a solid goal.

Come on kid, you can aim higher than that, despite being an abject failure.

I’m older than you.

Dave’s extensive monologues on the economy may have been boring, but they stuck with me.

You grew up on a post-apocalyptic earth with hardly any concept of money, pardon me if I don’t trust your opinions on the economy.

You know what, I will actually concede that point. I don’t have any practical experience with being an impoverished sack of shit who spends all her money on video games she will never play.

Looking at my steam library is both a low blow and, honestly, extremely fair.

I’m glad you think you can engage me as an equal, it’s charming. “Order debit card?” What’s that about?

I lost my debit card when I was out at the bars with my friend and her coke dealer.

Are you trying to beat me to the insults?

No, I just think that’s funny and you can’t insult what I’m proud of.

Hm. What about those creativity goals? “Patreon Reward Poem?” You have a Patreon for your clumsy poetry? Does anyone support it?

Yeah a couple people.

Start playing bass? Are you trying to impress your girlfriend?

No, I’m trying to impress my roommate.

You’re kind of taking the fun out of roasting you.

I’m leaning into it.

Ok, let’s move on then. “Identify Trauma” is pretty vague. And kind of appropriative, don’t you think? You don’t seem traumatized like the people in my life. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t died at least once, do you really think you can compare to that?

Dude, you don’t have a monopoly on suffering.

I lived alone in the year 2422, centuries after my species died off. I was forced to play a game that wiped out what little I had ever known in order to create a new universe. I have had to have conversations with countless versions of myself, and as you know, that’s not a pleasant experience. I am part of the self-important deity who was destroying the very backbone of existence until he was vored by his own sister. I dated Jake English. You know nothing of suffering.

wow?

Wow indeed, you sad sack. Let’s get to the meat of your pathetic little life: Do you see your only social obligation? The one that’s written in someone else’s handwriting? 

Huh? I didn’t -- I didn’t see that one before.

Of course you didn’t. You wouldn’t recognize the handwriting anymore, would you? I guess I didn’t remove every trace of her from existence.

What.. What are…

“Buy me a ring,” it reads. Isn’t that sweet? You were engaged to be engaged.

Too bad you never proposed. That would’ve made this even harder. Harder for you, I mean.

Jesus christ…

There are consequences to your actions, mortal.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh fuck this guy again

A woman younger than she jokes about being stands in her closet. It just so happens that today, the 16th of sep--- oh you incompetent loon, ok, fine, it just so happens that today, the 29th of September, is the anniversary of the day she claimed to kill a prince. Ok wait no, it's the anniversary of the day she last wrote about how she didn't kill a prince? The said woman needs to start getting her shit together. Anyway. Though it was one year (and 13 days) ago that she gave me life-through death, it is only today that she will recognize my existence outside of a fanfiction. What will the reaction of this normatively aged woman be? 

#### ⇒ Be fucking confused

Wait, why are -- That was a year ago why are you here again?

A year and 13 days. Get it together. You're being a terrible host.

Why wait so long?

Think about that, Sophia. Why would you have waited so long?

Well, I'm a messy bitch who loves drama.

Severus Snape was right and wrong. Did you know that Harry Potter played its role in the fall of my Earth's civilization? Everyone kept calling the Condesce Umbridge. 

Fucking Liberals.

I've seen a lot of realities. The Hashtag Resistance is never any better than useless, and it's usually much worse. Very easy to manipulate. 

You would know. 

So would you. Hashtag owned. 

… Ok look why are you here. 

I'm going to be straight with you, and I have never been straight in my life, I don't actually know. I guess I'm here to help you take control of your life or some stupid bullshit like that. Maybe I'm a projection of your will to be in control. To get things done. Or maybe I'm not being straight with you at all, and I have strange ends that you'll never find out until it's been 35 minutes since I did them. I guess we'll see. 

I'm getting… Kind of dizzy. 

That's probably because of all the gods you have living in your head. I'd better go. I'd rather not talk to my daughter just yet. Come see me sometime. 

Come see you where? 

… Dirk? 


End file.
